Pretentious Art Catalogue

The Exmore Art Gallery Catalogue

This is a short story in the form of a pretentious art catalogue. The chronological exhibits chart the fortunes of the group of artists. I thought this was a wonderful original way of telling the story but the Exmoor Writing Competition judges did not like it since it doesn't work very well when read out to an audience, and they wanted to read out the winning entry at the ceremony of awarding the prize. Otherwise it would definitely have won the prize as it is quite, quite hilarious and takes the mickey out of the daft claims art dealers make about some of the modern art they try to flog.

Here we are :

 

EXMORE ART GALLERY

CATALOGUE
 

A Note on the Artists



 Exhibit 2 :   Portrait of the Artist's Sister      by Artist B


 

The artists exhibiting at the Exmore Gallery are members of a small group of very young artists (age range: 2 to 14 yrs) operating at the leading edge of contemporary English art. Little known outside their Exmoor community, they produce work that may be recognised by its frenetic, undisciplined but strangely vivid nature, and the use of unconventional materials. Previously unexplored subject matter is also a feature. Driven by boredom, lack of formal skills and a heady disregard for the usual expectations of the art establishment, and drawing their inspiration from such sources as violent sibling rivalry, desire to irritate their patrons (the so-called 'Mother' and 'Dad'), certain of the more unsavoury household incidents of the rural poverty in which they live and work, and the eccentric Exmoor society that is their habitual milieu, the Exmore Group here present what is generally accepted as being the single most important body of artistic endeavour to emerge from the West Country in the present century. The artists have chosen, for reasons both of shame and of grandeur, to be known simply as Artists A, B, C and D.

 

The Gallery doubles as the artists' home and studio. It is arranged as a typical domestic setting, with exhibits displayed attached by magnets to the refrigerator, scattered on bedroom floors and left lying about on tables etc. The works are catalogued in chronological order and thus describe the rise of these artists from tentative and humble beginnings, through burgeoning confidence and increasingly ambitious compositions, to reach their present status at the top of the current art scene.

1. Snake with Udders chased by Spindly Chicken                                              Artist A
                  Running-out biro on newsprint                                                          125 gns
                                 Rare early illustration in the 'Herding Cats' style favoured by this largely-undiscovered but talented artist. Influence of Jackson Pollock and L da Vinci.

2. Portrait of the Artist's Sister                                                                           Artist B
                  Blackberry Jam on mashed potato                                                       95 gns
                               Available as a limited edition print only. This is a formative piece in the manner which Artist B has since gone on to develop further, examining the use of numerous unorthodox components.

3. I Want Some Ice Cream                                                                                    Artist C
                  Unknown liquid on paper                                                                       175 gns
                               Troubling work from the artist's 'Needy' period (2009-10) when doubts arose about the wisdom of his choice of friends.

4. Untitled                                                                                                            Artist B
                  Crayon on silk                                                                                    500 gns
                                Costly media (being the artist's mother's best dress, and a set of brand new colouring pencils) demonstrate this artist's uncompromising dedication to authenticity.

5. Tiger on the Bread Shouting                                                                            Artist D
                 Indelible marker on Homework                                                            350 gns
                                  Typical of the artist's output, this is an intensely visceral response to an expedition to feed the ducks at Dulverton.

6. Pony Climbed the Christmas Tree                                                                Artist D
                 Ink on Cardboard                                                                                 195 gns
                                  Conceived as a reaction to a notorious incident when the family's pony was let into the house by one of the Group. This work was subsequently used by the patrons as a design for a Christmas card.

7. Oh God Henry how dare you Mummy's going to be Furious                      Artist B
                 Water on bathroom floor                                                                        unpriced
                                  A dynamic artwork, fading as the water dries, its only physical existence remaining as a set of invoices for repair work.

8. Egg with Goatee Beards and Double Skyscraper #275                                  Artist A
                 Fresco on kitchen wall                                                                         NFS
                                 Thought to be an attempt by the artist to address her fear of an uncle's beard-threats, and a pair of inappropriate shoes worn by a visitor to the farmyard studio.

9. a) Smoothing Iron Goes Mad in the Reindeer Stable                                      Artist C
    b) Chicken by Toby's Head near the Landrover                                               695 gns
    c) Picnic at the Slimy Toad with Ulcers
                 Etching on table top (wood)
                                 A deeply disturbing tryptich inspired by a dermatology textbook shown to the artist when he was a baby.

10. Nurse! I'm Sinking!                                                                                        Artist B
                  Collage                                                                                               275 gns
                                Constructed of medical paraphernalia and his mother's tears, this piece commemorates the artist's visit to Casualty after an attempt to descend Porlock Hill on a go-kart.
Proceeds from the sale of  'Nurse! I'm Sinking!' will go to the Orthopaedic Dept., Taunton Hospital.

11. Landrover Fragments : 'Die, Landrover - DIE'                                            Artist A
                  Metal and glass                                                                                  345 gns
                                A site-specific installation situated at the foot of cliffs at Hurlstone Point. Visible at low tide only: it is advisable to check local tide tables before viewing.

Exhibit 6 :    Pony Climbed the Christmas Tree  (detail)      by Artist D

STOP PRESS :
Due to unscheduled production of item 12 the art show will now be housed in Porlock Village Hall.


12. Gallery Rubble       Believed to be a collaborative work by the whole Group although all 4 deny any responsibility either joint or several.
                 Rubble                                                                                    Freehold offered; POA
                               Assembled during an unsupervised chemistry experiment with TNT and gunpowder, this sculpture signifies the end of these artists' careers.

Note : After acrimonious discussions with their patrons, The Exmore Group have agreed to eschew further artistic production and to pursue careers as Babysitter (Artist A), Paperboy (Artist B), Kindergarten Student (Artist C), and Housework Assistant (Artist D).