Heroic Priests

During the recent events at Kiev the Priests of the Eastern Orthodox Church have been showing everyone how being a priest ought to be done. They are operating at peak excellence and it is inspiring for us all. Even the Times, which hates Christians, has been printing pictures which elicit admiration for the priests and which do a lot to strengthen the faith of many of us. These men are real shepherds and bravely stand among their flock as priests should. Look at this one here:

The soldier is pointing a gun straight at his head but he just stands there like Gentle Jesus. This is v helpful not just for his congregation there but for us who see the picture as well and I thank the Lord for it. In the picture you can see the soldier looking at the photographer and thinking 'Damn, I'd better not. This wouldn't look good. Else I would.'

Here's how we like our priests - tough as hell and holding a cross.

Dispensing strength and consolation

Meanwhile our Archbishop (Welby) has announced that he thinks the govt. cuts in welfare are the reason the Food Banks are in greater demand than they used to be. Well well. He has said there will be a £10,000 enquiry about it. £10,000 to find out what he already knows. What does he think it's going to discover? That the increased need is brought about because President Putin has been sticking pins into a voodoo doll of England? That the gay weddings are causing it?

Bags of rice are a Food Bank staple and cost 40p (8/-) for  1kg (2lb 3¼oz) if you buy the Value brand. Hence Archbishop Welby's £10,000 enquiry junket money could have bought 25,000 bags of rice providing 176,250 portions - and that is assuming a 5oz portion which is generous enough for my teenagers who have very inefficient metabolisms and eat accordingly. That's 176,250 meals foregone, just to check whether Vladimir Putin has been doing voodoo on us. Not money well spent.

At the Porlock Tannery Food Bank the greed for free food has caused resort to underhand and deceitful activity as may be seen by the following. This voucher was issued in good faith to one penniless hungry teenager:

He tried to hoodwink the authorities into trebling the amount and when it was therefore refused others got hold of it and in attempting to re-designate it defaced it, multiple times, rendering it invalid - See below : 

Result: no lemon ice cream for anyone. I get to eat it all myself. It is very delicious and if anyone would like the recipe please leave me a message.

Report from the Frontiers of Modern Creative Endeavour

Art News (Bad):

In our house this installation would be called "Who's left all these stupid balls all over the place", or
"Come here this instant you wretched children and put your confounded toys away"
In the Hayward Gallery it glories in the title "Work No 1636".

The spirit of the defunct Exmore Group lives on as its principles are being upheld by an artist, Martin Creed, who is described as 'a self-deprecating 47 year old', and well he might self-deprecate as he was the perpetrator of that absurd Light Going On and Off which inexplicably won a prize once. He calls his, er... antics... 'Work No 1', 'Work No 2' etc. and they are all as irritating as hell. A room with 39 metronomes all at different speeds; a piano with instructions to play interminable chromatic scales; a doorstop that lets the door only open 45 degrees; and a tiresome car that keeps suddenly sounding its horn. You get the idea. Other stuff includes a piece of paper crumpled into a ball, which he has kept since 1995 (Work No 88), and a room half full of balloons... He must drive his wife, or mother or whatever he's got, to distraction. A lot of these are being shown at The Hayward Gallery (£11 plus booking fee) if you would like to see them. Which I doubt. And I warn you - according to the newspaper there is some quite unpleasant rude stuff as well. Not recommended.

Photography News (Good):

This is similar to the famous picture by Steve McCurry of an Afghan girl.

It is of another Afghan refugee girl but this one has been deliberately covered in mud; I suppose it's meant to make her look sweet, but it is unnatural. I mean, what mother whose child was about to be photographed wouldn't wipe it clean first? And if the child is an orphan so we are supposed to think oh poor little thing with no mummy to clean its face, they have got it wrong. It is VERY ANNOYING to have mud on your nose and that child would have rubbed it off straight away, even if it didn't care about the rest of its face being muddy. It just does not look realistic. She's got beautiful eyes though. I'll wash her dear little face for her, if she likes.

This was taken by Muhammed Muheisen, and the girl's name is Laiba Hazrat and she's 6, Lord be merciful unto her, living in Pakistan. I definitely recommend Muhammed Muheisen's excellent photographs which are pictures such as God's own angels take in Paradise.

Fashion News

Here are some things it said in the Times this week, regarding ladies' clothing:

Their text is in purple, because that seems appropriate.
 

1) You can still wear monochrome chevrons and be very much 'of the moment'. Oh thank GOD. They inject a subtle fizz to your workaday office wear, whilst also giving a tougher edge to loud florals.
 

2) The Cigarette Pant is still the trouser shape of choice on the FROW. Good news for FROWs everywhere. My teenagers tell me FROW means fat raunchy older woman. ARE there such things? I think probably not, so Tant pis, Cigarette pant. The joy of the cigarette pant is, apparently, that it is long enough to tuck into an ankle boot.
 

3) For those who have never worn the boyfriend, know this: nothing rocks a black tux jacket and a stonking pair of heeled sandals in a French, insouciant manner more convincingly than a boyfriend-style. A little detective work reveals that wearing the boyfriend means having on some too-big jeans that are all scruffy. This season's ones are sprinkled with paint which gives the impression that you've just been re-decorating the kitchen. Not a look I can imagine any real Frenchwoman sporting in public so the fashion editor has got it wrong here.
 

4) Tweed bouclé, a pair of slacks or some sensible kitten heels are not going to cut it. You will need to spice pastel knitwear up with some geometric patterns, PVC skirting or tonal shade layering. Yep. Sorry, Ladies.

5) The disastrous news that Nike Air Maxes in liquid gold or silver have already sold out at net-a-porter is tempered by silver brogues and rose-gold slip-ons doing roaring trade elsewhere. These add much-needed bling, and humour, by all accounts. Dear me.

6) If you plan to step out in head-to-toe "Angry Flowers" (what?)  you must first operate the Paleo Diet in order to pull off such an ensemble.

Now tell me : how demented do they think women are?  

I haven't got any dress sense and always look frightful, but, with advice like that (above), can you blame me? Here's me, looking like my grandmother :
A shocking wardrobe - where are the monochrome chevrons? The pastel bouclé? The painty jeans? There are no angry flowers, and the footwear (not shown) is disappointingly humourless - black, lacking kitten-heels, and without so much as a spot of metallic detailing.   0/10; but 10/10 for the hat, which is good - very good. Hey, hang on - there are some geometric patterns on the fingerless mittens I had on. Thus am I vindicated.

As for the men... beware, chaps. This is what they want you to wear :

Quiz question: There are a number of reasons why nobody in their right mind would wear this thing. Place the reasons in descending order of significance.
a) All views to your left obscured by silly frame
b) Doorways are impassable
c) You can't sit down
d) That shade of blue shrieks of last season
e) Everyone thinks you're an idiot


 
Another quiz question: This picture shows a splendid dandy fellow in a smart suit and looking jolly nice. Again, a superb hat. And, "we are loving that cane", say the fashion correspondents. Sapeurs like this enhance life for all who behold them.

However even here we can see 3 sartorial blunders - which proves what a minefield getting dressed can be. They are only minor, but can you name them?

Finally, here's that nice Fr Georg in his soutane. Soutanes are dignified, plain, and flattering to even the plump priest. Fr O'Hanrahan himself - a shocking size - looks ok in his. I also approve of the outfits those Afghan terrorists wear. One often sees them in the paper and they are most elegant.


Quiz answers:
1) Reasons for not wearing that picture frame outfit: a), b) and c) are all equally the most significant reasons. The function of clothes is to keep you i) warm and ii) decent. They should not interfere with your day to day functions such as seeing things to your left, sitting down, and getting through doorways. Next in the line of significance is e) - that everyone will think you're an idiot. No-one wants people to think that about themselves. Reason d) is of no consequence whatsoever. Do not be dictated to by the fashion journalists.
2) Blunders made by our dandy friend are :  i) a gentleman does not wear a hat indoors, ii) his tie is awry, and iii) those trouser legs are a bit short so he needs to get his mother to let down the hems.