Cold Weather : Fashion Emergency

The fashion people at the Times informed us recently that the weather has got cold and this means that one's coat has got to Stand Out. You must have a Statement Coat; and the difference that makes a coat Statement rather than Ordinary is not distinguishable except by aesthetes (says the Times). A Statement Coat must give a knowing nod to current trends and therefore it may be "swooshy", shaggy, layered shearling in fake fur (not real fur, perish the thort) or be ankle length with asymmetric hem. I do not need to be an aesthete to see the difference between that and any of my coats. Mine are men's coats in the Smith signature long, straight and dark in colour look worn by all generations and genders of the Smiths of Hardham. Sourced from the charity shop. Max price £10. 

The Style Mavens on the other hand ramp up the Glamour Quotient. The fact that below-the-calf length coats are the thing at present is causing the poor darlings to have to tangle with all sorts of hem-length conundrums and I warn you now: Seventies Flares are going to be an Enormous Trend this summer (see right). These are 'Mistake Trousers' if ever I saw such a thing.

Time to leave the district my friends.

Here's a person who thinks, wrongly, that her clothing is going to keep her warm in the icy climes of latitude 51˚N in February. She has got her statement coat but she has forgotten she needs a woolly hat, gloves, vest, jersey and something MAJOR to cover the vast expanse of exposed neck. I bet she has not got a petticoat on under the flimsy dress either and she is going to FREEZE. She hasn't even put her arms into the sleeves of her coat. Perhaps she does not know how a coat works. Daft. She ought to let her hair down too. It is too cold to wear your hair up in this country except on certain days in the middle of July during years when there is a heatwave.

A few tips from the fashion ladies on what turns a mere mortal coat into a statement:

1. Colour. Avoid black or tan, go bright or patterned.     No. No. I stand by the dark plain hues of the standard Smith coat.

2. Collar. Go for fur, ruffles, anything flattering that makes the coat stand out and your face look pretty.      Do NOT do this. A modest, small, ordinary collar is what is needed, thanks.

3. Silhouette. Seek dramatic shapes and lengths.     Long and narrow, as I said.

4. Texture. Look for luxurious materials and contrast (cashmere/fur/silk/boucle/feathers/etc.)     No luxury at the charity shops of West Somerset I am afraid. Besides, those silks and fur etc. are too difficult to look after. Boucle and feathers, what ever THEY are, are not the Smith Way.

5. Fit. The coat must fit like a glove.     Er, no... The coat must be too big, so that you can wear about 30 layers of jerseys underneath it. This is Exmoor after all.

6. Construction. Make sure it’s lined, properly sewn and feels like it will last a lifetime.     Well, OK, if you can find such features on our budget (£10). And you mean 'feels AS IF it will last a life time'.

And Beware! Only wear velvet if it's in the form of red peplum jackets, and if you haven't got any PVC boots yet well what ARE you thinking of? Head-to-toe white outfits even the Times admits are impractical but still the catwalk ladies will not be seen without them.

Statement Boots:

(Left) The only statement these are making is "I am having a Footwear Crisis." They look like the sort of things surgeons wear for wading about in the gore on the operating theatre floor (without the heels though).

This boot (right) says "My leg is like an elephant's leg" - this winter's must-have leg. I thought Jimmy Choo shoes were meant to be desirable but this definitely isn't. Extraordinary. N.B: This boot is not only Statement, but also Key. Fancy! You will need one of these for each foot by the way.

A person in Porlock High Street told me I - I!  - looked elegant yesterday! In my Smith of Hardham coat with 10 thousand layers underneath and my unstatement boots and my hood up. It was pitch dark at the time and the person concerned is a known optimist but still. Elegant! Me! Perhaps she said "Elephant" but even if she did that means my legs at least are On Trend.

Even children are not safe.

Here is an outfit recommended for godparents to buy for their goddaughters. It looks like one of those pictures of when the child has endearingly got itself dressed and put on all sorts of ill-matched clothing. However in the Fashion Pages this passes as acceptable. From £212.

Make your Family like the one from the Poster

Fortuitous article in the Times

Following my remarks about that sickening poster, the Times have published a manual detailing how to make your family be just like the one from the poster - the family that does mistakes, and loud really well etc. Conversely, as sane persons, we may read the recommendations and do the opposite in order to avoid becoming like that family.

The article is about Raising Boys. Firstly we should point out that in England we BRING UP children we do not raise them. The Times has forgotten that it is published in England for English people. Raising of children is something carried out in America I believe. Next, it is a refreshingly sexist article that acknowledges that boys are different from girls. It is quite rude about boys though, saying that they are impulsive, pugnacious and more muscly than girls and the muscliness means there is less of their brainpower available for thinking and other clever stuff. (The brain is all used up with controlling their extra muscles). 

Here is what the Times thinks you (the parents) should do:

You must partake of what they call 'think-throughs', and 'descriptively praising' and 'reflectively listening to' your children. You must play 'The Go Game'. A typical Go Game activity is as follows: 'When I say 'Go' walk round the table twice, then sit down and tell me the name of 4 animals.' The child can only do it when you say 'go'. Switch roles for fun (sic).    Good God.

The boys' father must rumple their hair at every opportunity, sit next to them when they are playing with Lego, and wake the boys on schoolday mornings by sitting on their beds and chatting. Er... real boys are NOT amenable to this sort of thing on schoolday or any other mornings. "Get away from me you Freak" is the likely reaction to such overtures. 

Boys must be forced to shift their allegiance from their mothers to their fathers. Eh?? The parents are lucky if there is the slightest friendliness shown at all in my experience let alone any personal allegiances. 

The Importance of Sport: According to the article the father MUST ensure that the boy is good at football because all boys need to be good at football or no-one will like them. The father must practise playing football with the boy every day and not use words like 'Brilliant!' but say inane things such as 'You stopped that ball,' and other statements of the obvious. These are 'descriptive praise' and you should make such comments all the time. I would imagine the result of this would be that the child will stop listening to you altogether because it will realise that you are a loony who never has anything worthwhile to say. According to the Times though, the child will internalise it ('it'? what?) and begin to reinvent themselves. 'Reinvent themselves' is a very irritating and meaningless phrase which should be avoided.

Schedule playfighting for certain safe places and for times when an adult is present, says the article. Look, you are missing the point. Fighting does not work like that, and scheduling it can not be implemented. Sorry. Also do not use the term playfighting. All fights are to be undertaken in full earnest. The article does surprisingly admit that your children are going to be constantly hitting each other so don't bother having rules against it. On the other hand it recommends saying 'You didn't laugh when your brother made a mistake' as one of the descriptive praise observations which shows that the writer failed to have an effective think-through about this. It would be viewed as a challenge in most families: Hey everyone let's all laugh at our sibling. 

Bribe the children with Screen Time (allowing use of computer). This teaches them bribery. Excellent. 

Pretend you understand how they are feeling ("Gosh it's frustrating isn't it when you have to finish something you're enjoying" instead of "GET OFF THE COMPUTER THIS INSTANT YOU DISOBEDIENT CHILD") This makes them feel heard and attended to (apparently) and is an example of reflective listening. No. In fact it is condescending and will make them quite rightly loathe you.

If you have got a fidgetty child you should tell the child to make a fist and squeeze hard for 5 seconds. Cured! Also teach the children to sit on their hands. And - this is REALLY strange - train them to stop moving and freeze on a signal from you, eg. a hand held up palm out. Use this at unexpected times and give them permission to use the signal on you at designated times. By this means you will be able to establish your family's reputation as a bunch of utter weirdoes.

Read to your son even after he is perfectly capable of reading for himself and no longer thinks it's cool. (When did being able to read constitute something cool? It's just normal, like having 2 legs or a cat, or performing simple interpretive dance moves (not really. Interpretive dance is NEVER normal.))

Stand over your child while he does his homework. Patronisingly ask him what the teacher wants from him in the homework (this is a think-through) and keep interrupting him to give descriptive praise eg. 'You are writing slowly and neatly!' Actually in real life it is more help if you just sigh angrily when he gets something wrong, criticise his punctuation and spelling and tell him he is going to end up in the gutter if he doesn't try harder.

The article suddenly ends there, but there will be a whole BOOK of this advice coming out on 12th February, publ. Yellow Kite, £14.99. I shouldn't buy it if I were you unless you will be happy for your household to Do Hugs and Do Family etc.