Several areas of public life have been identified as requiring improvement. I have decided that campaigns are needed for the following: More Hooting; Children to have Better Manners; and Prevention of Plastic Windows. Details below.
1. More Hooting.
 |
Apply hand or fist to hooter.
Press firmly. Hold in place as necessary. |
All motorists in England should hoot more. We are too accepting of other road users' many ineptitudes.
The most serious areas for attention are
i) at traffic lights. When the light at last goes green you may be assured that the driver of the car in front of you will
Hooting at him the instant the light goes amber (i.e. pre-green) will go some way to speeding up the first and second of these laborious processes. Traffic queue etiquette ought to direct that we should all aim to move off at the same time. This would save HOURS on the roads. The average driver spends 336 hrs, i.e. two solid weeks, per year waiting at traffic lights. Actually I just made that up, but I bet it's true.
ii) when following a tractor. Tractors and all other people who want to go slowly impeding the traffic flow and delaying legitimate road users who have serious stuff to do, hymns to play etc. should be obliged by law on pain of death to pull over every 100 yds to let the queue behind them get past. Hooting continuously from the time when you are first stuck behind them would alert them to your presence of which they usually feign ignorance.
Tractors should be forbidden the use of the roads at rush hour, school run time and 10.30am on Sundays when important organists are trying to get to Mattins.
If car manufacturers included among the controls an on-off hooter switch this would facilitate implementing the hooting initiative. However, holding the horn button down for long periods can be very satisfying particularly if done in a spirit of admonishment and reproach so this option should remain available in addition. Of course what one would like to do when trapped behind an annoying vehicle, is smash repeatedly into the back of it; however this is inadvisable unless one has unlimited funds.
Sub-campaign 1a : Banning of unnecessary traffic lights.
Workmen wishing to implement traffic lights round their roadworks should be forced to submit an application to ME, explaining why they think they should be allowed to have the traffic lights. My decision will be final and I will refuse any requests for lights where one can see the other end. The fact is, o panickers of the Transport Ministry, that believe it or not we motorists know it is silly to crash our cars into each other and will avoid doing so where possible. Thus if we can see there is another car coming towards us past the road works we will wait till it has gone by. On the whole people are reasonable and generous so traffic will continue to move smoothly despite lack of intervention. It makes us VERY ANNOYED if we have to wait ages at a red light when we can see perfectly well that there is nothing coming the other way. Worse still is waiting at red light when you can see that the light is red at the other end too, because the stream of vehicles has obediently stopped as their light became red. The law should be changed to override the mindless dictates of the traffic light in this situation. Also, applications for three-way control lights will automatically be refused. Work which would require this will just have to be cancelled. The End. There will be no recourse to appeal.
It is imperative that we stop being docile on the roads because we are only making life difficult for ourselves and for future generations. So hoot please and write to your MP asking him to get the traffic light nonsense stopped; thank you.
2. Children to be have Better Manners.
It has come to my notice as I go about the district that the children I encounter often return insolent glares for my salutations. They have been taught by their parents that all adults probably have wicked designs upon their person. The children have learnt to state clearly, using body language alone, "Get away from me you sick pervert". Now this is offensive. I'm not a pervert, and nor is almost anyone else, so why should we all have to bear such incivility? It saddens the offended adult and diminishes the child, adding unnecessarily to the sum of human misery.
It is not necessary for a child to be rude for it to be wary. These children could put their non-verbal communication skills to better use in making respectful gestures such as curtseying (girls) and touching their caps (boys); and they may address me as 'Madam'. Bidding someone Good Day is not going to make the child ANY more likely to be attacked.
 |
Charming little girl ready to curtsey.
No pictures of boys doffing their caps
are available as the custom has died out. |
If children are rude because they are shy, then tough, I'm afraid. They must be taught not to be shy, and to greet people politely. I was. My parents would have cuffed me one, and rightly too (this was expected in those days. I am very old), if I refused to say Good Morning to someone, just because I felt shy.
In contrast to their less courteous counterparts, children who have attained social graces are an asset to society and it is a pleasure to associate with them. I have a whole herd of exemplary and well-mannered nephews and nieces who enjoy the esteem of the community and have the happiness of knowing that they are A Credit To Their Parents. Such children are a very good thing and make life better for everyone.
3. Prevention of Plastic Windows.
Evil operatives are at work across England replacing traditional windows by execrable substitutes in the form of uPVC windows. These bear no resemblance to real windows. They look horrible and while that is of no consequence in cases where the building on which they are inflicted is vile anyway, the uPVC firms have no compunction about targeting decent houses as well. No residence, be it mansion or shack, is safe. The outcome for the overall aspect of an old house blighted in this way is, without fail, catastrophic. Windows have a significant impact on the character and appearance of a building; and the uPVC windows are crudely detailed with great thick out-of-proportion frames, the material's shiny finish is out of keeping with older materials, and the glass they use has a uniform, flat appearance and none of the charm lent by the imperfections characteristic of old crown or cylinder glass. Furthermore where windows have glazing bars, these should form part of the structure of the window - application of false glazing bars to the surface of the window is a Kindergarten technique widely used by uPVC companies, the effect of which is historically incorrect and not in the least convincing. They fool no-one.
If you want to see what I mean, you might go to Merriott (Somerset). Terrible things have been done there. It was once a beautiful village of ham stone cottages but now they have utterly despoiled it with inappropriate windows galore.
 |
| A fine delightful window |
 |
| No captions required |
The firms tell their prey that uPVC windows will free him of the costly maintenance appertaining to wooden windows. In fact the plastic ones, always hideous, soon look shabby as well anyway : a lose-lose situation. And we all suffer - not just the house-owners but everyone who has to look at their horrid-windowed properties. The only concern of the window firm is to get the victim to agree to have his house ruined, to do the work and take the money before moving on to cozen the next innocent householder. They care nothing for aesthetics, truth or the welfare of the nation in general.
They should be stopped immediately and imprisoned, before they do any more damage. Their money should be forfeit and given to the unfortunate people of Merriott and elsewhere to help them to pay for proper windows. There must be FORTUNES to be made by honest carpenters willing to put right the wrongs done. Would that I had the skill, energy, or initiative required. Alas I have not; but I freely give this idea for a total moneymaking dead cert to anyone who wishes to do it and they will have my thanks and those of the wider public for their pains, yea unto their children's children and for ever more.
