Naming of Stuff

Innominate Blog

Auster III

G-AHLK is you will agree a useless name for a blog and I am sorry. It is called that after an Auster which belonged to my father and was the first aircraft I went up in, when I was but 17 days old.  Its registration number was G-AHLK and when my infant brother was learning to read he looked at the aeroplane and sounded out the letters, Guh, A (as pronounced in 'apple'), Huh, Ull (as pronounced in 'full'), Kuh, and asked my mother 'What does that spell?'  What a dear little fellow!
 

Airbus A340 property of R. Branson

Now he is a  pilot himself and flies giant Airbusses.

Since that incident G-AHLK has always been pronounced Guh-A-Huh-Ull-Kuh and anything awaiting a name gets called that in default, eg. puppies, new babies, yachts, mansions, racehorses hem hem and as you can see, blogs, while arguments go on: 
 'NO. No son of mine is going to be christened "Annachie". Imagine in Waitrose having to say "Put the papaya down, Annachie."  His name shall be John.'    'All right then but can he have Annachie as a second name?'    'No. I gave in over calling that ridiculous cat "Vodka". It's MY turn to choose.'    'Yeah? Well I HATE calling the boat the Dolores Haze. You owe me for that' etc. 
Naming a blog is impossible, and therefore it is still called G-AHLK. Also I would like someone to think up a new word for 'blog' which I consider a despicable term.

 

 

 

 

More Instructions on Use of English

'So'

This troublesome word is often used incorrectly to mean 'very', usually with an exclamation mark; 'Julia was so grateful when the torturers left!' meaning, 'Julia was immensely grateful when the torturers left.'

This custom has arisen because people ought to be employing the expression 'so... that...' eg. 'Julia was so grateful when the torturers left that she permitted herself a wan smile.'

Exclamation marks should be used with extreme care and are rarely a good idea. 
 



The Queen fascinated by details of my journey 

Beware of sentences like this one, where the 'so' has got in without an exclamation mark to put you on your guard: 'It was my travel arrangements that the Queen found so interesting.'  Here the writer should put 'The Queen found my travel arrangements very interesting,' or, 'The Queen found my travel arrangements so interesting that she questioned me about them at length.'
 

N.B. 'such' holds identical dangers. 'It was such a relief for Julia when the torturers laid down their instruments!'  Such a relief that... what? Come, come. 'It was such a relief for Julia when they laid down their instruments that she thanked the torturers piteously.'   Poor old Julia. 

 

Journalists have developed the habit of beginning their articles with 'so.'  Eg. 'So it's Saturday morning and the torturers are wiping the smile off Julia's face.' This is a very fine example as it uses the present tense as well. Here, 'so' is completely meaningless and is only there to increase the word-count.
It is possible that the columnist imagines that it sounds friendly and makes the reader feel as though he is being personally addressed; if this is the case the columnist deludes himself and should be furnished with a P45.
 

Cancel your subscription to any newspaper that permits the practice. We must fight back, everyone.

Resentful Diatribe

Lent:  Here we are on the fifth Monday of it and I have really had enough. Lent has many nasty points:

1. The hymns are absolute dirges. They have boring tunes, and dour words written by well-behaved people.
2. Almsgiving. There are precious few alms around here and we can not spare any.
3. Confession. I have got to go and squeal to poor Fr O'Hanrahan from whom no secrets must be hid.
4. Fasting. I give up chocolate every Lent, but the reason for this is beyond me. It achieves NOTHING and depletes my endorphin levels. And imagine renouncing CLARET! I don't renounce it - there are limits - but there are people who do, to my certain knowledge. That strikes me as being borderline insane.
5. They have covered up the statue of Gentle Jesus at the Sacred Heart with a hideous purple cloth.

   
   

   Primroses. Nicer than Lent

   
   
6. Worst of all, Lent is LONG. Why does everyone think it consists of only 40 days? It stretches on and on, week after dreary week, from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. The number of days is given by the formula 7n+4 where n = the number of weeks. There is no integer n such that 7n+4=40, as any toddler could tell you.

In fact Lent lasts for 46 days, which means you get 6 extra days in the arid desert where no chocolate is and no claret consoles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say it to Julia

 

These are some words and verbal practices which are repugnant. Their use is forbidden at the blog headquarters.

 

• Calling films 'movies'. This is akin to saying moo-cow when you are actually referring to Bos taurus or the common domestic cow, and it demeans both the speaker and the person addressed.

• Use of 'to be like' instead of 'to say'. To increase my disapproval, this is frequently found in an inappropriate present tense. eg. 'I'm like, Do it to Julia, ok?' meaning 'I said "Do it to Julia"' [though 'I pleaded with the torturers, saying  Do it unto Julia' is preferable to either].  You wouldn't say 'Her Majesty was like, have you come far?', now would you? If you would then you have no business mingling with royalty and should return to your cave immediately.
 

• The construction 'just because... doesn't mean...'. eg. 'Just because the Queen asked if I'd come far didn't mean she gave a tinkers' cuss whether I had or not.' This completely fails to be a sentence, since the verb, 'did', has no subject. You must put in 'it' -  'Just because the Queen asked if I'd come far it didn't mean she gave a tinkers' cuss.' Even so, the form remains ugly. A happier phrasing would be 'Her Majesty cared not a rap whether I'd travelled an inch or a thousand miles, yet still she asked me how far I had come.'  
 

• The term 'wellies'. Often applied to what are properly Gumboots. Should only be used when conversing with persons of 6 months' age or younger, but is ill-advised even then. The child will behave better if treated like an adult from an early age.
 

• Saying 'like' instead of 'as if'. eg. 'Julia felt like she was being speared with a thousand arrows.' No: Julia felt as if she were being speared with 1000 arrows. She felt like St Sebastian.
 

• 'Out the window'. eg. 'They  threw Julia out the window.' This is incorrect. It should be: 'They threw Julia out of the window.'   The Latin e, ex (out) takes the ablative case and one must say 'out FROM, or (in English more usually) out OF, the window'. To do otherwise betrays ignorance, and scorn for one's hearers' sensibilities.

 

Another thing that annoys me to high heaven is the gratuitous alteration of Prayer Book language in the fatuous name of making it more accessible to the oikery. eg. 'Unto whom all hearts be open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid' is apparently easier to understand if rendered 'to whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hidden'. Really, if you're as thick as that you aren't going to have much chance of comprehending the mysteries of the catechism anyway. When I was a baby I thought 'Hallowed be thy name' was a posh way of saying hello to God because God was too exalted to be said hello to like an ordinary mortal, but once the proper meaning was explained to me I could see the logic perfectly well and was quite unharmed by the experience. It's not difficult, and there is considerable value in using words which you know have been used by your forefathers for centuries. It lends a reassuring constancy.
DO NOT MANGLE THE CRANMER.

 

 

 

 

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When shown this advertisement for proofreading he said  "Have you seen my phone? What's for lunch? What time's the last bus to Taunton? Please could you sew my shirt back together, it got torn."

What a lamb.

Creative Art Plumbs New Nadir

Further to previous post about sculpture they are now making INFLATABLE monstrosities with which to destroy our spirit. Below is a photograph of the latest outrage:

I have blanked my poor little niece out of the picture, for legal and child protection reasons
although I would imagine her human rights have been severely compromised already by
having to pose near the unseemly item.

 

Dear oh Dear. That it could have come to this. You will agree, I am sure, that it represents a serious failure of delicacy.

It is frightening that i) someone designed this - what troubled mind could harbour such thoughts? -  ii) people saw fit to finance the manufacture of it - what possessed them? - and iii) others willingly ordered and paid for the finished product, and then placed it outside their carpet shop.  HOW could anyone imagine that there exists a single person in the world who would be induced to buy a carpet on the strength of a balloon shaped like a pyjamaed hippopotamus?

Here is proof that innocent shoppers are being unjustifiably subjected to grotesque sights in increasing numbers, as they go about their daily pursuits. It is shocking to note that this example was on display within the supposedly safe SE24 district. 

Quail, o ye who dwell in the land of Dulwich. The outlook is bleak.

All I can say is, do it to Julia.

The Lamentable State of Modern Sculpture

In 1499 Michelangelo completed his Pieta. Nice, eh?

This sublime work has brought solace  to countless souls, and done much to convey what a Good Sort Our Lady is, over 5 centuries of devotion.

It was such a peak of artistic skill that we could be forgiven for not having made much improvement in techniques during the intervening period but one might have expected us at least to have maintained the standards.

 

 

And yet... 500 years on, how are we doing? The news is not good I'm afraid.

 

 

Ignoble and trite.

Some time ago this travesty (left) appeared on our High Street, lowering the tone and keeping tourists at bay.

The subject matter, though startling, is inexplicable in the context.

The concept is crude and the execution poor. What cow ever sat like that? What cow ever wore a waistcoat or held a blackboard? Where is the elegance and easy grace that we see in real cows? Hostage as I am to a lifelong affection for cows I am affronted on their behalf.

A fibreglass model some 5' tall, it is coarse and unsubtle in colour and shape, and rightly offends all who gaze upon it - save perhaps for 2-year-olds, whose judgement is questionable.

 A second such statue was erected in Minehead shortly afterwards. We can safely say that the only Visitor Information this imparted to holidaymakers and, indeed, locals,  was "We despise you. Go Away". The fortuitous juxtaposition of an overflowing wastebin speaks volumes does it not? 



At Lynmouth

Lyme Regis

Since then further instances of the style have been noted as the contagion spread first across the South West and then over the whole of England. All are as uncouth as their cow antecedents and all display equal vulgarity of vision. They are favoured by snack bar proprietors in particular which suggests that these traders have scant regard for their customers' wellbeing. Proximity to the ugly figures causes distress on both visual and intellectual levels and is known to stimulate production of the same misery hormones as are generated in response to hearing 'Jingle Bells'. Frankly I can not see how they have the gall to intrude the things into any public space. It can't be healthy. And bearing in mind the tiny proportion of 2-year-olds in the population, is it fair?

Also Lyme Regis.
I quite like this fellow actually;
he looks jolly.
      

Spectacularly unpleasant.
An insult to Our Boys.
Lynmouth.

 

This Hot Dog  caricature raises troubling questions of cannibalism, autophagy, hygiene issues and genetic manipulation among other things and it is in VERY UNFORTUNATE TASTE. There are copies of it at Cromer and Manchester to my certain knowledge. 

These are abroad - in Prague (left), and, alarmingly, the Subcontinent which has now succumbed to the contamination, evidenced by this one (right) which has been sighted in India. Yes I have spies all over the place. Photos copyright Smith Bros Ltd

 

Poor Michelangelo. How we have squandered his legacy.

On the state of Sculpture today I concur with my young nephew (11 yrs), who announced to the family recently during discussion about his sister's art homework, that he does not rate the work of Barbara Hepworth very highly. Yo Nephew!