Fashion News

Here are some things it said in the Times this week, regarding ladies' clothing:

Their text is in purple, because that seems appropriate.
 

1) You can still wear monochrome chevrons and be very much 'of the moment'. Oh thank GOD. They inject a subtle fizz to your workaday office wear, whilst also giving a tougher edge to loud florals.
 

2) The Cigarette Pant is still the trouser shape of choice on the FROW. Good news for FROWs everywhere. My teenagers tell me FROW means fat raunchy older woman. ARE there such things? I think probably not, so Tant pis, Cigarette pant. The joy of the cigarette pant is, apparently, that it is long enough to tuck into an ankle boot.
 

3) For those who have never worn the boyfriend, know this: nothing rocks a black tux jacket and a stonking pair of heeled sandals in a French, insouciant manner more convincingly than a boyfriend-style. A little detective work reveals that wearing the boyfriend means having on some too-big jeans that are all scruffy. This season's ones are sprinkled with paint which gives the impression that you've just been re-decorating the kitchen. Not a look I can imagine any real Frenchwoman sporting in public so the fashion editor has got it wrong here.
 

4) Tweed bouclé, a pair of slacks or some sensible kitten heels are not going to cut it. You will need to spice pastel knitwear up with some geometric patterns, PVC skirting or tonal shade layering. Yep. Sorry, Ladies.

5) The disastrous news that Nike Air Maxes in liquid gold or silver have already sold out at net-a-porter is tempered by silver brogues and rose-gold slip-ons doing roaring trade elsewhere. These add much-needed bling, and humour, by all accounts. Dear me.

6) If you plan to step out in head-to-toe "Angry Flowers" (what?)  you must first operate the Paleo Diet in order to pull off such an ensemble.

Now tell me : how demented do they think women are?  

I haven't got any dress sense and always look frightful, but, with advice like that (above), can you blame me? Here's me, looking like my grandmother :
A shocking wardrobe - where are the monochrome chevrons? The pastel bouclé? The painty jeans? There are no angry flowers, and the footwear (not shown) is disappointingly humourless - black, lacking kitten-heels, and without so much as a spot of metallic detailing.   0/10; but 10/10 for the hat, which is good - very good. Hey, hang on - there are some geometric patterns on the fingerless mittens I had on. Thus am I vindicated.

As for the men... beware, chaps. This is what they want you to wear :

Quiz question: There are a number of reasons why nobody in their right mind would wear this thing. Place the reasons in descending order of significance.
a) All views to your left obscured by silly frame
b) Doorways are impassable
c) You can't sit down
d) That shade of blue shrieks of last season
e) Everyone thinks you're an idiot


 
Another quiz question: This picture shows a splendid dandy fellow in a smart suit and looking jolly nice. Again, a superb hat. And, "we are loving that cane", say the fashion correspondents. Sapeurs like this enhance life for all who behold them.

However even here we can see 3 sartorial blunders - which proves what a minefield getting dressed can be. They are only minor, but can you name them?

Finally, here's that nice Fr Georg in his soutane. Soutanes are dignified, plain, and flattering to even the plump priest. Fr O'Hanrahan himself - a shocking size - looks ok in his. I also approve of the outfits those Afghan terrorists wear. One often sees them in the paper and they are most elegant.


Quiz answers:
1) Reasons for not wearing that picture frame outfit: a), b) and c) are all equally the most significant reasons. The function of clothes is to keep you i) warm and ii) decent. They should not interfere with your day to day functions such as seeing things to your left, sitting down, and getting through doorways. Next in the line of significance is e) - that everyone will think you're an idiot. No-one wants people to think that about themselves. Reason d) is of no consequence whatsoever. Do not be dictated to by the fashion journalists.
2) Blunders made by our dandy friend are :  i) a gentleman does not wear a hat indoors, ii) his tie is awry, and iii) those trouser legs are a bit short so he needs to get his mother to let down the hems.