Fatuous email from the Royal Mint

The Royal Mint  -  Fotherington-Thomas at the helm.

The Royal Mint has been trumpeting a special offer where you can apply to get one of 2015 free sixpenny bits, which they are giving away in order (they claim) to revive the defunct tradition of making your Xmas cake and pudding on Stir Up Sunday which is the Sunday before Advent, i.e. this Sunday 22nd November this year. Actually they are doing it in order to get hold of various greedy people's contact details so that they can then plague them with emails, spam, junk mail and phone calls trying to persuade them to buy some of their over-priced coins for the rest of all eternity, and the list of details will also be sold on to other loser companies to do the same with their own useless products. These lists change hands for considerable sums so the price of 2015 sixpenny bits is a negligible outlay; why even the face value (which you would not get) is only £50 7s 6d. As you can see in the email they sent me (see below) the ploy has been successful with almost 25,000 fools applying. One of whom was me. If you too were one, make sure you locate the microscopic "unsubscribe" button at the bottom of their email, and click on it.
I applied because 1) I want a free sixpence. 2) I deserve one, because I already uphold the tradition of Stir Up Sunday. My mother always made her Xmas cake on Stir Up Sunday and I do as well because I have turned into my mother.

What I was hoping for :

Delightful coin of the realm

What I got :

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for your application for the FREE Stir-Up Sunday sixpence.  Unfortunately, on this occasion, you weren’t one of our lucky 2,015 applicants. We had an overwhelming response to the promotion that saw almost 25,000 people apply to receive one of the 2,015 silver sixpences.

But please don’t let that deter you from joining in the Stir-Up Sunday fun. If you don’t have a sixpence handy, why not try another coin?

Don’t forget to share your Stir-Up Sunday pictures on social media this Sunday using #stirupsunday and our username @royalmintuk. You will find The Royal Mint on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. We will be reposting, retweeting and sharing our favourite pictures and there will be prizes!

PLEASE READ: Obviously, due to size, putting a coin in a pudding might cause a risk of choking. And while we might all remember stirring a 2p or 20p piece in our puddings as children, modern knowledge of health and safety might change our thinking towards it, particularly if the coins aren’t pure silver, or have not been sterilised. As such, we recommend that you do not bake your coin into the pudding or when reheating. Instead, we recommend that coins should be placed into the pudding just prior to serving, with the slices then dished out at random to give someone the chance to find it. Alternatively, simply pop the sixpence in its pouch and hide it under one of the table settings before everyone sits down to dinner.

If you do add anything like coins or charms to your pudding, sterilise them first in boiling water. Make sure you choose items large enough to be noticed, or wrap them tightly in a ball of tin foil, and tell everyone to look out for them. This serves two purposes: it will increase the fun, and it counts as a word to the wise, so that Christmas dinner doesn't close with people accidentally swallowing the coin or breaking teeth!

Season’s greetings!

The Royal Mint


        

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magnified X 1,000,000,000 by me,
so that you can see it.
In reality not visible to the naked eye.
 

 

They can't even be bothered to address me correctly. Sir Forwardslash Madam does not appear in any Debrett's I have ever perused.
Then they patronisingly tell me what a wonderful triumph their offer was, and suggest since I didn't win, "Why not try another coin?". Don't you "Why not... " me, sir. I bite my thumb at you. I bite my thumb at your infantile use of exclamation marks. I am a grown woman, not a two year old. I will NOT be taking, let alone sharing, any Stir Up Sunday pictures, neither will I alter my habits one iota in order to pander to your ridiculous blandishments. I will not sterilise any coins and I will certainly not "pop" any money of what ever denomination in to the cake just prior to serving as recommended by a bunch of utter weeds and killjoys. I do not pop things. I will not "pop" the stupid coin under the table mat either. How thick ARE these people you think I will be serving? It would not fool my lot for a PICOSECOND and then there would be a fight. "Oy Mum Henry's got a sixpence, it's mine, I left it on the table this morning," etc.
If I wrapped a coin in a ball of tin foil I would be removed forthwith into padded custody which is the place of choice for detaining persons of the Carroll name who have gone completely off their heads. Why the devil finding a screwed up ball of silver foil in your food would "increase the fun" I do not know and I think their belief that this is the case indicates that they are long overdue for some serious army training and no mercy shown.
Also I dispute their claim that Stir Up Sunday is fun. My heart always sinks when I hear the collect as it means I have WORK to do.

In conclusion : What sort of gluten-free non-dairy quiche eaters do they think we are? Looking back at historical statistics do we see a spate of deaths by choking or poison every Christmas? No. No one has EVER been killed by a sixpence piece. I checked.
The 6d is innocent. Calm yourselves, Royal Mint.