Quinoa - The Truth

There is a very fine fake quinoa cooking recipe (right) but it swears a lot. I try not to swear in these posts because of my mother who always wanted me not to swear; however these instructions nicely express what all right-thinking people feel about quinoa so I have written out the same sentiments but without the swearing.

 Quinoa Instructions 

·          - Prior to commencing cookery remember to tie your hair and beard into ponytails. Put on some pretentious music in the background, ensuring that it is loud enough for the neighbours to hear it so they will know how clever and intellectual you are. Suggested tracks: whale song, Indian chanting, ‘World music’. Avoid anything with a good tune or pleasant harmonisations.

-  This stupid stuff has to be RINSED before you can even use it. Rinse 1 part quinoa. You must do this with cold water drawn from the Yangtze River - Do not rinse it with tap water. Make sure people see you.

- Measure out 5 parts water, or stock. Measure it with your de Longhi measuring jug as used by the brigade de cuisine from Le Manoir aux Quat'Saisons or similar. If using stock this must be made from rare-breed chicken carcases sourced from an artisanal producer at the Farmers’ Market on Notting Hill High Street, and cooked on a hob costing £10,000 or above.

- Bring it to the boil in a multi-million pound Le Creuset saucier pan and then tip in the rinsed quinoa.

- Simmer for 20 minutes. This gives you time to read a sentence of Proust or carry out some kharmic mindfulness or other sophisticated activity.

- Then remove the pan from the heat and let it stand for another 10 minutes during which period you can go out to fetch the infant Tarquin from his balalaika lesson.

- Fluff up the grains with your special Fortnum & Mason Quinoa-comb, and serve with some unpalatable, difficult to procure accompaniments which show how on-trend you are.

- Tweet about it so your public knows what refined and urbane eating habits you employ. Hashtag picture of your plate.

- Do not say grace. People like you despise Christians.

- Eat, meanwhile preening yourself because you are a complete TURKEY. Share your meal with other poseurs of your acquaintance. If possible speak French at table. 
Do not reflect that, if you weren't such a Superior Being as you are, you could be enjoying a load of tasty chips, some BACON or a Mars Bar. YOU have chosen the austere, the worthy, the wholesome path. Congratulations.