Pests on the Road Network

Sporting Cyclists do not read this. I warn you.

Honest persons who use a bike in order to get about may read with impunity.

Yesterday I was delayed in a journey to work because the road was swarming with racing cyclists and I take this to be Nature's way of permitting me to make this blog entry.
 

A herd of deluded madmen.
Note silly attire. Note stream of delayed traffic behind.

I can not STAND the sort of cyclists who wear all that idiotic ugly lycra and preposterous helmets. They look horrible, they make it quite obvious that they are convinced of their own tremendous  superiority to other road users (who they arrogantly ignore), and they selfishly clog the road as if they had more right to be there than the cars - and all the while they are clearly going NOWHERE for any legitimate purpose whatsoever.

Now look. I am happy to share the road with people who are going by bike in order to get to somewhere where they need to be, eg work, or the pub, or their friend's house; and these people can be identified by the fact that they wear ordinary clothes, keep to the side of the road and do not go about in packs spread right across the carriageway. I like to see them, and I sympathise warmly with them when they are struggling up a hill into the oncoming gale. I have in the past cycled, myself, to many pubs etc. I admit that I did sometimes bicycle without a specific destination to get to, but only because I used to use 'going for a bike ride' as a way of blow-drying my hair. 

I have NEVER, though, biked like these modern fools do, in special outfits or just to race. If they want to do that they should do it in Velodromes, not on the narrow public roads around here. They are a confounded nuisance, and inconsiderate with it. The ones yesterday were so pompous that they were being preceded by a "Race Lead Vehicle". Where will it end.

This is what I have to say, and the 'Sports Cycling Community' ought to take note:

• There is no need to wear a special outfit; that is the advantage of cycling.
• As for the helmets... do they not realise what utter TURKEYS they look in them? And have they not noticed that when you fall off a bike, you get grazed knees or elbows? Your head is rarely damaged. And if it is run over by a lorry your turkey-helmet is not going to save it.
• Refusing to acknowledge other road users is one of their most serious mistakes. They do it in order to impress upon us how very important and difficult their task (they think) is. But eye contact with motorists is a useful communication tool. It also helps dispel some of the hostility. These things would be to the cyclists' own advantage so they aren't doing themselves any favours by being so standoffish. 

My policy is to wave cheerily at the dolts from my car, smiling friendlyly whilst saying "You really do look like a lot of complete twerps. Get out of my ruddy way, curse you," knowing full well that they are far too grand to bother doing any lip-reading.

Here is a picture from my early cycling career. You will notice that
 

i) my conveyance was an ancient tricycle handed down from generations of previous Smiths - not some £8million fancy-bike

ii) I was wearing "normal" clothes (normal for Smiths). Lycra had not been invented I admit but even if it had I would have shunned it.

iii) that's a sunbonnet in the picture, not a turkey-helmet.

iv) I had gumboots on. Sporting cyclists wear freakish shoes which can not be used for walking in when they get off their bikes.

v) I was confined to the yard - not allowed to wander willy-nilly about the highway.

vi) I was looking directly at the photographer with a genial expression. (aren't I charming). It is not the custom of sporting cyclists to offer even a flicker of recognition to anyone. 


All cyclists should be forced to study this picture, to embrace its tenets, and to have a proper justification for every journey.
Those refusing to comply had better stay out of my zone.