Millions of Pounds not yet obtained

When we got married in 1988 I told my husband I would require £17,000,000 in monies to provide me with my heart's desires. I have been careful to review this figure annually and adjust it in line with inflation, so that it currently stands at £45million. (I have added a bit extra to allow for my increasing greed and sophistication over the years.) This would permit me to buy a fitting house for someone with my tastes and to pay staff such hefty sums as would prevent them from acting disloyally or displeasing me in any way. Obviously we are going to need some top quality personnel to see to the maintenance and grass-cutting etc. but as money is no object I can't foresee any difficulty there.

Here's a house that would do: 

 

 

This is Bloxworth House and you get loads of Dorset with it for only £4,000,000 sterling! Perfect. That leaves £41million for emergencies and for bribing the workforce. Unfortunately it's got a tennis court but with this sort of budget you could get that grassed over no problem.  How happy I shall be!

 

They had better let me have it unfurnished as there is some pretty nasty stuff in there at present (I have seen the particulars from the estate agent). If there are any wood-burning stoves in it they will be TORN OUT before I set foot in the place. I hate wood-burning stoves.

 

The flaw in my plan is this: the specified sum has failed to materialise. ANY of it. But if we do not act quickly someone else will buy the house and then hang onto it for 350 yrs. So please send your contribution NOW, URGENT, cheques payable to G-AHLK and thank you very much. No Gift Aid I am not a charity. 

 

Bloxworth house was built in 1608, a v good year for architecture as you can see.

Standards have fallen dramatically since then and near here the latest housing estate is as shown :

 

 

Notice the shape of this bijou terrace of affordable homes. It looks like a couple of bookends squashing that pitiful hovel in between them. I am at a loss to explain the reasoning behind this. Nursery school children routinely draw nicelier-proportioned houses than these. What compels the fools of architects to try to be different all the time? They could just find a pleasing old cottage built by simple peasants, copy its proportions exactly, and gain a much more satisfactory outcome.

Why have they used those mean little windows? It makes the buildings dark inside. Perhaps they have a pact with the League of Artificial Light Suppliers. All new houses suffer from this defect.

The rooms are so small and separated by such flimsy partitions that they seem scaled to house a race of delicate pygmies rather than the robust oaves of Somerset.

The chimneys - at least the ones which are not FALSE - betray the presence of wood-burning stoves.

Needless to say greed dictates that the gardens (which are boasted only by the more prestige* of the properties) are approx. 1 sq. yd. in area and therefore quite useless either for recreation or for horticulture.

 

They have destroyed an ancient stone wall and some of Exmoor's best blackberry plants to put up these tiny-windowed, gardenless, stove-infested dolls' houses. I am furious. 

Well, I should be furious; but since I shall have Bloxworth House soon what do I care?

 

 

 

 *'Prestige' has become an adjective meaning 'expensive'. This is due to Estate Agents defiling the English tongue.