Squirrels and Why I Hate Them

Look at this repulsive little thing, pretending to be cute.

Squirrels are anathema to me and here's why.

Red squirrels are FINE, I don't mind them at all, but you never see them; I've only ever seen one and that was in Austria and it might have been due to the WINESTUFFS I had been taking. It's the grey ones I can't stand, frolicking about wetly in parks etc. and stealing all the hazelnuts and birds' eggs.  

They have destroyed more bird-nut-dispensers than you have had hot dinners, on my patch alone. I have long waged a war of wits against them and believe me they are resourceful, determined blighters who WILL NOT GIVE UP. Not content with pinching all the costly peanuts put out expressly for the sole use of long-tailed tits, they feel compelled to rip the bird-nutter orf its moorings and fling it to the ground broken to bits and unmendable.

This happened repeatedly so I tried hanging the new nutter (£3.99) on a long bit of string attached to the guttering hundreds of yards overhead. Events continued as follows: 

1. Tedious squirrel then climbed up onto the windowsill and launched its beastly self towards the £3.99-worth of new equipment.
2. Result: same as before - broken nutter and peanuts all over the place. Gutter now unserviceable. Squirrel VERY pleased with itself.
3. Mended gutter.
4. Affixed new nutter (now £4.59 owing to inflation) on new long bit of string.
5. Placed stick against wall to hold nutter a good distance away from the windowsill. 
6. Squirrels confounded by this development, heh! heh!, but every time I walked past I hit my head on the stupid nutter. Also the freaky construction looked unsightly and made people think I am a loony.

Thus the squirrels remained victorious, if a bit Pyrrhic.

But then... in a brilliant, unanswerable coup, we moved in to a house whose back wall has a RIVER running along it, right against the building. One can therefore hang out a nutter from the guttering with complete impunity.     

Take THAT, Squirrelly Fiends!      Feast in peace, Long-tailed Tits.

 

 

You have got to admit, long-tailed tits are really endearing, and they DESERVE the peanuts, which is more than can be said for the horrid squirrels.