Justification for Some Animosities

Today I am going to describe
·         Shrubs
·         Circular tables, and
·         Monkeys and bears
and explain why they can not be tolerated.

Shrubs

A typical shrubbery. Hideous.


Shrubs are dull woody plants, usually found grouped together in 'Shrubberies', the bleakest garden features known to man. Shrubberies are always dank and gloomy, and muddy because no grass can grow beneath the shadow cast by the sombre canopy of evergreen leaves that make up all the decor of these horrid plants for most of the time. For a few days each year you might get a number of unattractive, scentless flowers showing among the dreary foliage. They don't even yield any useful fruit.



Gardeners! Let us stamp out Forsythia, laurel and privet. Away with bougainvilleas and rhododendrons, and let them be no more seen in the gardens of our land.



Behold, I have spake.



Circular Tables

These make my blood boil. What a silly idea they are. Rooms are rectangular, and so should tables be. Anyone with a simple knowledge of geometry can see that the surface area to circumference ratio is wasteful in the extreme. King Arthur set a very dodgy precedent when he tried to make these ridiculous pieces of furniture acceptable. They are NOT acceptable. I will not have one in the house. 

Monkeys and Bears

Lovely? Admirable?  Don't be fooled.

My dislike of monkeys and bears is exacerbated by the fact that everyone else seems to think they are lovely and admirable. They aren't, though. Monkeys eat each other's babies, which is really nasty of them. Chimpanzees are the most revolting grotesque horror-film sort of caricature-humans and I resent being told all the time that I share God knows how high a percentage of my genes with the horrible creatures. All I can say is, the few genes I've got that they haven't, must be my best ones and must exert a disproportionately large influence on my make-up.

Bears annoy me too. People like them just because they are furry. Well so are tarantulas, but no-one likes them, do they? Or rats. Furry perhaps, but lots of bears are vicious and cruel as Mother Nature decrees they must be. Polar bears are complete BRUTES and so are brown bears which don't even look sweet. Both these types of bear are hardened killers who think nothing of slaughtering seal cubs galore and would tear the infant Bambi to pieces as soon as look at him. 

N.B. Pandas do not count as bears. I like them.



Nice vegetarian panda



A herd of baby pandas