Cold Weather : Fashion Emergency

The fashion people at the Times informed us recently that the weather has got cold and this means that one's coat has got to Stand Out. You must have a Statement Coat; and the difference that makes a coat Statement rather than Ordinary is not distinguishable except by aesthetes (says the Times). A Statement Coat must give a knowing nod to current trends and therefore it may be "swooshy", shaggy, layered shearling in fake fur (not real fur, perish the thort) or be ankle length with asymmetric hem. I do not need to be an aesthete to see the difference between that and any of my coats. Mine are men's coats in the Smith signature long, straight and dark in colour look worn by all generations and genders of the Smiths of Hardham. Sourced from the charity shop. Max price £10. 

The Style Mavens on the other hand ramp up the Glamour Quotient. The fact that below-the-calf length coats are the thing at present is causing the poor darlings to have to tangle with all sorts of hem-length conundrums and I warn you now: Seventies Flares are going to be an Enormous Trend this summer (see right). These are 'Mistake Trousers' if ever I saw such a thing.

Time to leave the district my friends.

Here's a person who thinks, wrongly, that her clothing is going to keep her warm in the icy climes of latitude 51˚N in February. She has got her statement coat but she has forgotten she needs a woolly hat, gloves, vest, jersey and something MAJOR to cover the vast expanse of exposed neck. I bet she has not got a petticoat on under the flimsy dress either and she is going to FREEZE. She hasn't even put her arms into the sleeves of her coat. Perhaps she does not know how a coat works. Daft. She ought to let her hair down too. It is too cold to wear your hair up in this country except on certain days in the middle of July during years when there is a heatwave.

A few tips from the fashion ladies on what turns a mere mortal coat into a statement:

1. Colour. Avoid black or tan, go bright or patterned.     No. No. I stand by the dark plain hues of the standard Smith coat.

2. Collar. Go for fur, ruffles, anything flattering that makes the coat stand out and your face look pretty.      Do NOT do this. A modest, small, ordinary collar is what is needed, thanks.

3. Silhouette. Seek dramatic shapes and lengths.     Long and narrow, as I said.

4. Texture. Look for luxurious materials and contrast (cashmere/fur/silk/boucle/feathers/etc.)     No luxury at the charity shops of West Somerset I am afraid. Besides, those silks and fur etc. are too difficult to look after. Boucle and feathers, what ever THEY are, are not the Smith Way.

5. Fit. The coat must fit like a glove.     Er, no... The coat must be too big, so that you can wear about 30 layers of jerseys underneath it. This is Exmoor after all.

6. Construction. Make sure it’s lined, properly sewn and feels like it will last a lifetime.     Well, OK, if you can find such features on our budget (£10). And you mean 'feels AS IF it will last a life time'.

And Beware! Only wear velvet if it's in the form of red peplum jackets, and if you haven't got any PVC boots yet well what ARE you thinking of? Head-to-toe white outfits even the Times admits are impractical but still the catwalk ladies will not be seen without them.

Statement Boots:

(Left) The only statement these are making is "I am having a Footwear Crisis." They look like the sort of things surgeons wear for wading about in the gore on the operating theatre floor (without the heels though).

This boot (right) says "My leg is like an elephant's leg" - this winter's must-have leg. I thought Jimmy Choo shoes were meant to be desirable but this definitely isn't. Extraordinary. N.B: This boot is not only Statement, but also Key. Fancy! You will need one of these for each foot by the way.

A person in Porlock High Street told me I - I!  - looked elegant yesterday! In my Smith of Hardham coat with 10 thousand layers underneath and my unstatement boots and my hood up. It was pitch dark at the time and the person concerned is a known optimist but still. Elegant! Me! Perhaps she said "Elephant" but even if she did that means my legs at least are On Trend.

Even children are not safe.

Here is an outfit recommended for godparents to buy for their goddaughters. It looks like one of those pictures of when the child has endearingly got itself dressed and put on all sorts of ill-matched clothing. However in the Fashion Pages this passes as acceptable. From £212.