Advent Sunday is now not 8 weeks away and therefore loads of Xmas Gift Catalogues have begun to arrive through the letterbox; and here is a selection of things I do not recommend:
"Picture Keeper" - also known as a memory stick. Spend £34.99 on an 8GB memory stick if you want to, but they are available for £2.99 on eBay, the only difference being that eBay ones don't have Picture Keeper written on them. You can achieve the same effect by writing "Photos" on the memory stick casing, with a common felt tip pen. Then you will have saved £32 which can be spent on gin.
Now HERE is a useful commodity. A deer deterrent which makes an inaudible sound so you have no way of knowing whether it's working or not. Every Londoner is subject to deer-terror I am sure on his daily commute. Even here on Exmoor we occasionally see a deer but I can assure you they have got the sense to run away from cars anyway and have no need of inaudible sound warnings. A saving of £7.99.
Another marvellous idea. How often have you taken the wrong set of keys and consequently locked yourself out? Increase the likelihood of it happening again by having these decoy keys all over the place. I strongly question the claim that they will create any air of mystery or magic in your house or garden. Intense irritation perhaps but not mystery or magic. A total waste of £8.99.
Oh DEAR NO not the Tree Faces again. They had these last year as well and tried to tell us that Mrs G of Doncaster had said "My grandchildren just LOVE my tree faces. They are fascinated by them." Don't delude yourself, Mrs G. Grandchildren are notorious for their execrable taste; and in any case Fascination may be borne of disgust as well as pleasure. Edward Jenner was fascinated by smallpox, remember. Not that tree faces are likely to lead to any inventions on a par with vaccination or anything else. The flat-head nails are not even included.
This preposterous item looks like wine but is actually an umbrella. I defy anyone receiving this as a present to succeed in concealing their disappointment when they realise. A cruel trick to play on anyone. You could have got them £17.99-worth of real wine with that money.
Aurora Borealis Projector indeed. What a world we live in. £23.24 by the time you have paid for the batteries. Plays a selection of annoying noises too. You do not need this, and nor do any of your acquaintances. A vain attempt by the catalogue people to obtain your money. I would be v surprised if they sell a single one of these.
A 'reflexology massage mask' which claims to relieve puffy tired eyes, remove tension and ease headaches leaving you feeling deeply relaxed. This can also be achieved with gin and I think we all know which method is more enjoyable. Once again gin provides the intelligent answer. £19.99 will buy you a big bottle of quality stuff such as Bombay Sapphire.
A repulsive jug which is both vulgar and impossible to clean. In keeping with common practice in such catalogues they have used this as an excuse to make a feeble pun which irritates the reader and causes you to want to hurl the whole booklet to perdition. An insult to me and to cows.
A prime example of what passes for humour in Catalogue World. I despise them. These things are £9.99 each. Anyone who orders one should be soundly thrashed. For crying out loud. The more I think about these the more furious I become.
Look. I don't like squirrels. Why would I want an ugly toy one in 10 X actual size hanging around in my garden attracting real squirrels? This is horrible, and £14.99 is not, so I'll be keeping the £14.99 thanks.
"Cause your dog to look ridiculous." This is cruelty to animals. It would be better for the human master to wear a badge saying "I am a turkey" than to be seen in public with a pet wearing one of these.
This is similar to the dog bow tie outfit. Do not make your defenceless child wear things like this. Babies are idiotic enough in their own right, without their adults colluding to make them look even sillier. You should dress your young in dignified clothing.
N.B. They ought to stop the poor little mite climbing up the stairs as it is bound to fall down.
An inflatable sledge. How long do you suppose THAT'S going to last? 2 seconds? 3? It will DEFINITELY pop very shortly after the hapless adults have blown it up. Even if it lasts a full minute that will represent a cost of 21.65 pence per second of use. Poor value for money.
Finally, a useless Periodic Table mug. I admire the Periodic Table - heaven knows why, it is aesthetically displeasing by all my normal criteria - so I looked into this. Thank the Lord I will not have to buy one as closer examination discloses that this Periodic Table does not include the atomic weights and is therefore not much good to anyone. It's like a... a... a... bunch of notes without any stave, or a Times crossword where they have forgotten to print half the clues.
*£198.12 if you decided to buy a cheap memory stick as suggested.
Priceless!
ReplyDelete