Stop the Dog

Eric Hill, who invented Spot the Dog, has died. I'm sorry about that, I really am, and I'm glad he managed to make a nice lot of money out of what was really a very minor idea. Good for him. But Spot the Dog books are GHASTLY! INANE! An Insult to Childish Sensibilities! They annoyed the hell out of me when my children were of the age the books are aimed at, and the library was stuffed full of Spot books. The fellow WOULD NOT STOP producing the things. And I am sorry to report that the situation is no better now. I know, because in the course of my research for this article I have been to the library and seen that there are still loads of the books being thrust at the infants of Minehead. Also the Spot books seem to have opened the way for reams of other horrid, meritless tosh to be written for the young.

I shall now explain to you why Spot books should be consigned to the dustbin, by giving a critique of the first book, "Where's Spot?"

Now, the protagonist, Spot; here he is, and what a weed, eh?

Page 1:

This is not good art. How a baby is supposed to recognise that that is meant to be a dog I do not know.

Page 2:

This is madness. Why is the silly mother going to look for Spot? Surely one sounds the dinner gong, and if people are too lazy to respond then tough, I say. Spot's had his chance, and if he can't be bothered to come then he can go hungry. Mothers have enough trouble preparing the wretched food, without having to go searching and begging people to come and eat it.

Page 3:

"Is he inside the clock?" Well he'd jolly well better not be. That's a delicate timepiece and I would be furious if anyone got inside any of my clocks, upsetting the mechanism and putting the pendulum out of true.

Page 4:

Dear Lord it gets worse. Mr Webber the piano tuner will go BESERK when he sees this. The inside of the piano is STRICTLY out of bounds and no-one opens that lid unless I am present, is that clear? This is an irresponsible picture which sets a very dangerous example for children. Anyway, how ridiculous. I think that's meant to be a hippopotamus so what in God's name is it doing on this CONTINENT quite apart from being inside the piano? As for Spot's mother, is she some sort of imbecile? She doesn't appear even to be startled, let alone annoyed. Admittedly the realism required to convey such emotions is not present in these crude and primitive drawings.

Page 5:

The caption for this one is "Is he under the stairs?"

Well for his own sake I hope he isn't, because if I was Spot's mother I would be beside myself with anger by this time. 

One lifts the flap (it's a lift-the-flap book) and finds that there is a lion in the cupboard under the stairs. I ask you. All I can say is, it would be better for everyone if the lion had eaten Spot and then ate his gormless mother. 

Page 6:

Still applying the tired old formula, the caption here is "Is he in the wardrobe?"

Any toddler worth his salt will have climbed down from Granny's knee by now and gone out to play poker with his friends. The last thing he wants is to lift the flap and see an unconvincing monkey which is swinging from the clothes rail. The monkey has dropped litter and banana skins in the wardrobe so Spot's mother has further cause for annoyance. She is not having a good day.

Page 7:

Another shock to which Spot's unresponsive mother gives no reaction. Under the bed there is a crocodile. What sort of establishment is this woman running?

And is it helpful, I wonder, to try to convince innocent children that these exotic animals are at liberty about the place?

Page 8:

Well what a surprise! The daft mother continues her search, though thousands wouldn't. And in the box there are some... PENGUINS! Of course there are. We're all on crack here.

Page 9:

You'd think the mother would have given up by now, but no! She has obsessive behaviour issues. Guess what is under the rug - a unicorn? a breeding pair of pterodactyls? Anything is possible in Spotworld.

In fact in the published version there's a talking tortoise under the rug, which directs Spot's mother to try looking in the basket. This is a blessed relief I can tell you.

Page 10:

At bally last! There's the accursed puppy and about time too. Why is the mother smiling? This sends a terrible message to readers, namely "Deliberately hide from your mother! It will be a laugh! She won't be cross with you for i) wasting her time, ii) letting the food get cold, iii) frightening her because she thought you were lost. Go for it, Toddlers!"

Page 11:

The denouement. 

The level of Suspension of Disbelief required here is absurd. 

1. Spot should have been sent to bed without any supper after the way he had behaved. 2. A real mother who has just had the trouble Spot's mother has had would NOT be watching dotingly as the disobedient offspring ate. She would be unable to bear having it in her sight or earshot, believe you me. She would be sitting in the other room with a large glass of Pimms if she had any sense. However, sense is something, as Spot's mother has amply demonstrated throughout this saga, that she lacks to a CONSPICUOUS DEGREE.

Verdict : Our 2-year-olds deserve better.

When the first Spot book was published in 1980 it was obvious straight away that it was a Bad Thing and a stop should have been put to it there and then. Now it's too late and they're everywhere.